So your organization has decided to boycott all products and services from Israel. Here is a list of activities that you now need to perform in order to comply with this boycott. Good Luck because this article is about to ruin your life!
Part One – Technology and Food
First, remove all Intel Pentium and Celeron computer processor chips from personal computers (desktops, laptops and notebooks) as these were either developed or manufactured in Israel. Note that the revolutionary new Ivy Bridge processor will be manufactured in Israel. Any computers running the Windows XT operating system must be turned off immediately as this was developed in Israel. All current Microsoft operating systems are not to be used as Microsoft is heavily reliant on its Israel R&D centre.
Step 2. Any computers that still work need to have their anti-virus software and personal firewalls removed as this technology originated in Israel. The organisation’s firewall will also need to be switched off. Staff should no longer open external emails as most of these will be infected with viruses. No outgoing emails can be sent. The algorithm (code) that’s used today for sending e-mails, was made by an Israeli who worked at the Ben-Gurion University in Be’er-Sheva in 1980.
Step 3. Discard all mobile phones, as this technology was developed in Israel, where the first mobile phones were manufactured. Mobile chip technology from a single Israeli company has now been installed in over 100 million devices. Only top-level staff may retain mobile phones for emergency situations. However the use of SMS (Texting) is expressly forbidden as this facility was developed in Israel. No 4G devices can be used, as the chipset is Israeli.
Step 4. Turn off your voice-mail service and delete any recorded messages. Israeli companies invented the voice-mail system. If someone you do not know answers your phone-call, then hang up. Israeli call-centres and call-centre technology is in widespread operation in the UK.
Step 5. Before accepting any printed material, check that the supplier has not used the Israeli device that might have saved up to 50% of the ink used.
Step 6. At home, do not use Facebook as many in-built and add-on applications are Israeli-developed. Do not watch videos on the Internet as the platform used to upload them may be from AOL and hence from an Israeli company. Do not use the Internet to search for answers to your questions as this may involve use of an Israeli-developed search engine. Better to remain unenlightened.
Step 7. On your TV or home entertainment centre, do not use Video On Demand (VOD) to watch movies as you may inadvertently see an advert displayed usingIsraeli software. Do not purchase any games devices as these are likely to use Israeli technology.
Step 8. Do not read books using an e-book as this may contain Israeli technology. Do not use data storage as it may have been developed at Israel’s storage technology R&D center.
Step 9. Do not buy an electric car as it is likely to be powered with an Israeli battery or use Israeli developed charging mats. Continue to sit in traffic knowing that you are polluting the environment and financing oil-rich despotic regimes. Turning to food and drink, all food outlets on the organisation’s premises must dispose of cherry tomatoes, which were developed in Israel. Staff must ensure that no cherry tomatoes are included in sandwiches brought into office premises. The ban also applies to honey and any products derived from honey. Israel has developed solutions to the worldwide problem of bee-colony collapse, so that any products derived from bees might only be available now due to an Israeli invention. Avoid drinking any of the world-recognised award-winning Israeli wines. Do not consume homemade drinks from Israeli-manufactured household drinks machines. Avoid any fruit from South Africa or Peru as produce from these countries is being marketed with Israeli brand names. No agricultural products from the following areas must be consumed as they use water irrigation and agricultural technology provided directly from Israel. This includes most of Africa, China, India, Indonesia (a Muslim country), Nepal and many others. Much fruit and vegetables (including organic) imported into the UK has been enhanced using Israeli technology. This may save millions of people from starving around the world, but is not a good reason for you to eat it. To be safe, only eat fruit and vegetables that you have grown yourself using seeds that have been in your family for generations.
Part Two – Staff Health. Destroy all personal medication. Israel’s Teva Pharmaceuticals, the largest generic drugs company in the world, will have manufactured many of your medicines. Staff with the following illnesses will need to take specific precautions. Cancer – do not take any form of medication or treatment. Israeli scientists have been working at the forefront of oncology for decades. AIDS and HIV – beware; researchers at Israel’s Weizmann Institute or Hebrew University developed or improved AZT and Hypericin-based drugs; they have also developed a treatment that destroys HIV-infected cells without damaging healthy ones. Diabetes – do not measure or inject Insulin using the devices developed by Israeli scientists. Multiple Sclerosis – stop taking Copaxone, one of the most efficient medicines and the only non-interferon agent, as Teva developed it. Don’t touch Laquinimodeither. Parkinson’s – remove the Israel-pioneered brain pacemaker to stop tremors. Discontinue Levodopa, which reduces motor disturbances. Cease sessions that involve magnetic cortex stimulation. Staff with a family history of heart disease and arteriosclerosis must not use the Israeli device for early detection of these. Rather, wait until onset of the disease. Epileptics – stop treatment that may have benefited from the Israeli discovery of the underlying mutant gene; also throw away the bracelet that sends out an alert when a person goes into seizure. Staff or relatives with Age-related Macular Degeneration – remove Israeli implantsthat arrest the disease. Liver disease – abandon Israeli-developed antibody immunotherapy treatments. Emphysema – steer clear of the Israeli protein replacement therapy. Myeloma – stop taking the drug Velcade, which was developed over a period of 30 years by scientists at Haifa. Sleep apnea – no tests using the breakthrough Israeli device for diagnosis. Dyslexics must not benefit from the Israeli Internet-based reading system. Skin allergies must be treated with steroid creams only, as the new safer non-steroid alternative is Israeli. Any incident of stroke or head trauma or onset of Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, MS, epilepsy, glaucoma or brain tumor must avoid using any of the Weizmann Institute’s patented methods of treatment. Before any surgery or medical tests, check that hospital catheters have not been protected from infection using the new plastic from Israel that disables microorganisms. Avoid throat surgery as this may utilize Israeli surgical lasers. Ensure any colonoscopy or gastro investigation does not use internal Israeli cameras such as the Pillcam. Never undergo surgery to install an artificial heart, as the first artificial heart transplant took place in Israel. Kidney transplant patients must wait for donors of the same blood group as only Israel’s revolutionary new methods allow donors from other blood groups. Staff of Arab origin must not make use of the only database for matching potential Arab donors of bone-marrow – in Israel. In the event of a spinal injury or disease, do not accept spinal implants – likely to be an Israeli product or development. Heart rhythm problems must not be solved with the Israeli-developed heart pulse generator. All heart stents are off-limits as most of these originate from Israeli medical companies. Check all vaccines as many of these have been developed in Israel. Ensure that all X-rays do carry a radiation risk, as the only radiation-free system is Israeli. Treatments derived from Stem Cell research must be avoided as most of theseare Israeli-developed. If you or your family are struck with a bacterial infection, do not take alternatives to older, ineffective bacteria-resistant antibiotics, as an Israeli discovery will have been responsible for the modern, effective drugs. Check that any pain relief medication is not based on soya as an Israeli doctor discovered the beneficial effect of the soya bean. Do not use the revolutionary new Israeli bandage that saved the life of Arizona senator Gabriella Giffords after she was shot in the head. If you break a bone badly, reject any treatment that involves introducing collagen, as this may have been manufactured from Israeli plants. Do not protect babies and infants from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome with the Babysense system from Israel. Do not use Epilady (or epilator) – two Israelis invented this hair removal device. Finally, reject all major dental treatment, as your teeth may need to be scanned with an Israeli-developed dental scanner.
Part Three – Dealing with People. When interviewing prospective new staff or holding meetings with members of the public or with individuals from other companies, it is vital that you check whether they originate from, or are associated with the following countries and areas. You must ensure that you do not have any contact with people who have benefited from Israel’s aid to those countries. The organization must avoid any possible acknowledgment of Israel’s contribution to world relief. In addition, you must obtain a formal statement from the government of these countries that Israeli aid was not responsible for the production or development of any goods and services supplied to the organization. These locations include: Japan (As well as rescue teams, Israel supplied Geiger counters and Israeli thermal imaging cameras are monitoring the reactor cores – Mar 2011) Ghana (has been receiving technological aid from Israel since 2006; Israel is now providing neonatal units to save many of the 4,800 babies that die each year – Mar 2011) New Zealand (Israel sent several rescue teams, temporary shelters and water purification systems following the Christchurch earthquake in Feb 2011) Chile, whose rescued miners were treated to a tour of Israel as part of their “Pilgrimage of Thanks” (Feb 2011) Vietnam, whose milk industry is being totally transformed using high-yield Israeli cows (Feb 2011) Uganda (Israeli solar-powered refrigerators were provided to store v1accines used to eliminate an outbreak of Polio from the country in Jan 2011) Kenya (Israel’s Agency for International Development built a state-of-the-art Emergency Room in a hospital serving 6 million Kenyans in Jan 2011) The Maldives (although non-Islamic worship is banned here, Israeli eye-doctors performed free operations for citizens in Dec 2010) Philippines (signed major trade agreement with Israel in Nov 2010) Romania (Israeli doctors treated babies following fire at a neonatal unit – Sep 2010) Cameroon (Ophthalmologists from Haifa restored vision to patients and trained local medical teams in these procedures – Aug 2010) The Congo (Israel were the first burn specialists on the scene following the oil tanker fire disaster in July 2010) Angola (mines cleared by Israeli technology – July 2010) Mississippi (bio-remediation technique used to clean up after oil spills was developed in Israel) China (a major purchaser of Israeli technology, and recipient of medical aid andtraining) South Africa (Israelis trained their doctors to perform circumcisions to prevent the spread of AIDS – July 2010) Haiti (Israel set-up the largest field hospital to treat victims of the 2010 earthquake, the hurricane and the cholera outbreaks and provided vital assistance for over a year) Sri Lanka (Israel conducted a massive airlift with food, 50 medical staff and rescue teams only 48 hours after the Tsunami in Dec 2004) India (Israel sent an fully-equipped field hospital following Gujarat earthquake in Feb 2001) El Salvador (Israel relief aid following earthquake in 2001) Georgia (Israel contributed food and seeds for farmers following severe drought in 2001) Turkey (Israel relief aid following earthquake in 2000) Mozambique ((Israel relief aid following floods in 2000) Colombia (Israel sent medical aid and food following earthquake in 1999) Venezuela (President Chavez has forgotten Israel’s aid following floods of 1999) Central America (Israel sent emergency medical aid teams and equipment to help victims of Hurricane Mitch in 1998) Pakistan (2005) and Peru (2007) both accepted aid from Israeli NGOs following earthquake disasters. Peru’s hydro-electric power plants are also being built and run by an Israeli company. Rawanda, Mexico, Chad, Sudan (Darfur) and Malawi all have received humanitarian aid from Israel, including medical assistance from Israel’s NGOIsraAID. Always remember that the boycott extends to any individuals from the above regions that have been exposed to Israeli assistance during the 63 years existence of the current Jewish State.
Part Four – Other Impacts. -Reject all products from the USA. Analysis conducted in a typical US state shows that Israeli innovations were responsible for $2.4 billion in direct revenue to that state’s economy in 2009 and generated nearly 6,000 jobs. -Do not tutor your children in advanced Mathematics techniques, which may have originated in Israel. Also, if these techniques are used in your children’s schools, withdraw your children immediately. -Keen ornithologists should consider giving up their hobby as many rare speciesstop off or reside in Israel during their twice-yearly migration. -Do not watch the new series of NCIS as one of the actresses is Israeli. -Avoid going to any football matches featuring teams with Israeli players. -Destroy all your recordings of Madonna, Bob Dylan, Simon & Garfunkel, Deep Purple, Bon Jovie, Justin Bieber, George Benson, Moby and many, many more artists who have ridiculed the illogical boycott and have proudly performed (or will shortly perform) concerts in Israel. -Destroy any recordings of U2, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Bruce Springsteen, Beck, Rihanna Coldplay and any artist whose music has been recorded using the sound technology of the Grammy Award winning Israeli company Wave Audio. You also must get rid of any personal copies of Shrek, American Beauty and Star Wars. Do not trust anything recorded by Sony, JVC, Toshiba or Dell. -Don’t go to see The Black Swan with Natalie Portman, or watch any old films withElizabeth Taylor – both lovers of the Jewish State. -Do not stay in hotels or visit shopping centers owned by Israeli companies (sorry, you will need to check which ones yourself). -Do not have anything to do with the banks who are using Israeli software to prevent fraud. -Do not use any credit or debit card as the Security monitoring system used by the credit card companies is likely to be Israeli. -Do not buy an engagement ring containing a diamond as it is possible that this may have been cut in Israel. -Do not travel by air, as your plane might get towed by the Israeli-built “Taxibot.” -Do not use public transport inside Amsterdam, Moscow or Northern China in case you benefit from Israeli transportation devices. -If you suffer a power or network failure, be grateful that at least you haven’t installed the Israeli system that prevents power outages. -Finally, you need to leave all your taps running when you leave home and must never flush your toilet, because Israel provides water-saving technology to overhalf of the planet. It also is providing sewage treatment technology across the world, including to the UK. It should be obvious by now that all the measures specified in Parts 1 – 4 of this series of blogs will inevitably mean that your organization and your staff will be completely unable to function. Let’s therefore hope that the decision by your organization to boycott Israeli products is flushed down the toilet of history.
Thanks to the wonderful Michael Ordman!
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